20 December, 2015

S.A.D. News Sunday

It's been awhile since I last posted anything, and I feel bad about that (even if no one reads my posts), but I also feel sad, and for other reasons besides not blogging much of late.

I've never been one to self-diagnose an illness, but there were plenty of times when I'd suggested to others that they maybe look into a reason why they either behaved or felt the way they did.

As for myself, I take it all as it comes and most-often hope or will away whatever it is that ails me.

I've also known for a few decades now that it is entirely likely that I am a depressed person, or that I suffer from some form/type of depression.

Back in the 00's, and for a very brief time, I started taking Cortaslim tablets thinking that I might lose some weight that way, and while it did help me to shed a few pounds, what it actually did was enhance my mood.

In fact, it worked so well that I can remember telling myself that I had probably never, ever felt so good in my entire life.

Then, for marketing reasons, the little blue pill disappeared from CVS and 7-11 shelves, never to return.


And, as far as self-diagnosing goes, I looked up the symptoms of S.A.D. (seasonal affected disorder) and here are my findings.

Mayo Clinic report on the symptoms of Seasonal Affected Disorder.

Major depression

Seasonal affective disorder is a subtype of major depression that comes and goes based on seasons. So symptoms of major depression may be part of SAD, such as:
*Feeling depressed most of the day, nearly every day
*Feeling hopeless or worthless
*Having low energy
*Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
*Having problems with sleeping
*Experiencing changes in your appetite or weight
*Feeling sluggish or agitated
Having difficulty concentrating
*Having frequent thoughts of death or suicide

Fall and winter SAD

Symptoms specific to winter-onset SAD, sometimes called winter depression, may include:
*Tiredness or low energy
Problems getting along with other people
*Hypersensitivity to rejection
*Heavy, "leaden" feeling in the arms or legs
*Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
*Weight gain

The starred items relate to my current mood/symptoms.

There is also frequent crying, an actual view of dark, dismal overshadowing of eyesight, and the inability to shake it off and move forward.

When I feel like crying, I usually yawn a few times, shake my head a few times, or get up and walk around in order to shake it off and get over that urge, but lately I've just let the tears flow.

Mostly, I crawl back into bed and try to read or end up falling into a restless nap/sleep pattern.

Suicidal thoughts are frequent as well. Not that I believe I'd ever go so far as to act on them, but that they are even inside my head gives me reason to worry (this time).

In years past, I never connected this situation to the seasons, which is why the MAJOR DEPRESSION symptoms are there as well -- which are likely just compounded around this time of the year, I think.

It is also the start of Christmas week, 2015, and from past experience, it just means that my current bout with depression will only get worse -- until I am unable to get out of bed and function like a so-called normal person would do.

This is a time for joy, togetherness, and fun, which excludes me for various reasons and why I don't care for Christmas anymore.

Not wanting to rain on everyone's parade is a huge reason why I avoid social media this week.

Also, and this probably troubles me far more than a silly holiday can -- I haven't touched my WIP in over a week, which adds to my sadness, because while I continue to think about the story, its characters, and their adventure, I just don't have the strength, the will, or the right attitude to open Word and carry on.

What I'm most afraid of is somehow injecting my current frame of mind into that story, and so I use that as a partial excuse for not writing.

Also, it probably isn't a good idea to vent my frustration here on my blog when the blog isn't about medical issues, my personal problems, and health concerns but about my writing instead.

And, yet, I feel honor-bound to blog . . . at least SOMEthing and at least once a week.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow I will change. When tomorrow comes, I'll feel a bit better. Tomorrow I will definitely write at least one more chapter of my WIP.

The tomorrow's keep coming, though, and I am sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss.

Yet, a tiny voice somewhere deep inside keeps reminding me that this is my life and that I've overcome the symptoms before so, I'm probably going to be able to do it again.

Still wanting to write is a good sign, too, I think.

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