14 June, 2016

I Took a Personality Test


My son is currently teaching at a Language Camp on a Minnesota lake and has to figure out how his students will behave/respond over the next few weeks.

He sent me and his sister the link to a Personality Test and surprisingly, my daughter and I are more alike than either of us ever realized or care to admit.

Not surprising at all, my son is the complete opposite.

When I took the test, I went into it like I do all of the others . . . with a semi-lackadaisical attitude and a surefire hunch the results wouldn't perfectly match me and who I really am (or, more to the point, who I perceive myself to be).

From the picture above, the answers resulted in my being termed a Mediator, and I'm sorry, this just couldn't be more wrong.

The "I like to mediate and make sure everyone is happy" part.

That is my son and somewhat my daughter, AND me until I was in my thirties, but definitely not who I am today.

The rest of the explanations, though, are fairly accurate.

Funny but true:

". . .it’s as though Mediators like the idea of human contact, but not the reality of social contact."

I've given up on people and the idea of searching for, working hard at, and maintaining a meaningful relationship with anyone -- male sexual relationships and dating, and female friendship.

At 54, I've learned how to dislike, mistrust, and avoid human contact on a deeper, more meaningful level and for several legitimate reasons.

For years I wasn't okay with that, but today it is much easier to accept.

I do recall always wanting friends, to be surrounded by lots of people, and to have them all like each other, respect each other, and get along just fine -- which, of course, never happened and thus grew my disillusionment/disappointment in the human contact aspect of life.

The test indicated what I always knew and was deeply ashamed of for DECADES: that we tend to overdo, overkill, and over just about everything when it comes to dealing with others.

I tried too hard to be liked, to like, and to be accepted/accept with disastrous results.

Both sisters-in-law, my own sister and brothers, their children, my co-workers, and the friends I once had always and eventually became my master and I their slave.

The doormat.

This is especially true in the workplace.

"Where Mediators will not thrive is in a high-stress, team-heavy, busy environment that burdens them with bureaucracy and tedium. Mediators need to be able to work with creativity and consideration – high-pressure salespeople they are not." 
"Too many Mediators drift in frustration, ultimately succumbing to the necessities of day-to-day life in a job that wasn’t meant for them." 

It never takes long for those above, at, and even below me to figure out that I'm the gopher, the lowest on the totem pole, and the one whom others are free to belittle, sneer at, talk down to, and dump their excess work on but NEVER someone to socialize with, get to know better, or invite to lunch or an inner circle.

I'm a-okay with that now.

I tell myself it doesn't matter and that I've survived more than a decade without anyone else around me, so . . . I'm good!

And, speaking of good . . .

"First and foremost is seemingly every Mediators’ dream growing up – to become an author. " 

Hurray for my side!

I'm in good company, too, because the Personality Test said that C.S. Lewis, Shakespeare, Björk, and Johnny Depp are like me!

Sadly, it just reminds me that while they figured out how to get around their 'stifling' personality and make something of themselves, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

Yes and no.

My father was terrific at metaphor in his dialogue with others, but not me.

I have trouble trying to remember how the standard, cliché metaphors go, much less coming up with some of my own in any given situation.

Wit, I have none.

Well, I have wit, but it always arrives AFTER the fact and when it wouldn't matter anymore.

As for fictional characters, that'd be a hearty YEP!

I think we all reveal at least part of ourselves as authors through one or more of our fictional characters, but even if we don't, there are plenty of life lessons and incidences from our past that we use or build upon in our work.

I know I do.

More on writing.

As mentioned above, this never worked for me in reality and always ended in disaster, so it stands to reason that my 'personality', being what it is and wanting desperately to 'fit in' as it were, that I'd fall back on my first love: writing.

If I can't make relationships work in real life, why not make them work in fantasy land?


So, I write.

And, even if I'm no good at it and an editor tells me I need to find a new hobby, that isn't going to stop me from trying or wanting to write.

NEEDING to write, actually.

As a child I was always being told to "get your head out of the clouds" and "stop living in la-la land"

As an adult, I'm free to retreat back to those two places and not have to worry about being scolded for not paying attention; for not getting with the program and "living in the real world."

Writing fiction about fictional people carrying out fictional relationships that end HEA sounds like a terrific idea/goal to me and FOR me, I think.

Modern economics places a premium on the very keys to Mediators’ challenges: their creativity, independence, and need for meaningful relationships with individuals who need their help.

And, since this doesn't work right in reality, I want to make it work perfectly in fantasy through my stories.

If I'm unable to make things work for me in this life, why not make that reality more exciting AND explicable in writing?

Real people don't need or want my help, and I am unable to reach out to others in a way that makes them happy, so creating people and helping them instead works for me and is a whole lot more fun.

At work I do my job w/out engaging, leaving me free to fill up my mind with ideas, scenarios, character traits, and plot twists.

And, since I no longer worry about things like lasting friendship (or friendship at all), it isn't my duty anymore to 'force' my way into those inner sanctums where gossip reigns supreme, backbiting is the norm, and poo-pooing anyone outside that realm is expected.

When I am publicly chastised by a superior, laughed at for a mistake, and ridiculed for not knowing or understanding how something works, I no longer dwell on it and go home weeping like a hurt child.

Instead, I devise deliciously evil ways in which to harm, destroy, or publicly humiliate that villain in a novel.

I've also become extremely adept at the F U phrase and repeat the mantra in my head until quitting time.

Both seem to help me cope in public.

"A friendship with a Turbulent Executive (ESTJ-T) on the other hand, governed by social conventions and community participation as they are, would almost be a non-sequitur – though Mediators may find the idea of being paired with their opposite fascinating enough to outweigh the practical challenges to such a friendship."

I do this with most created H & h models.

Again, I'm over trying to do, say, think, feel, or hope anything when it comes to real people and having to socialize.

This is me, who I am, what I've become, and how I behave. Either you like me or you don't, but if you don't, I'm okay and won't waste a minute of my time trying to figure out why it is you don't like me.

After 50 decades and still not knowing the reasons why, I'd say I have every right to give up, don't you?

So, I write.

I no longer believe in the old wives' tale that Opposites Attract -- unless you're a magnet -- but that doesn't mean I can't make it work in fiction.

Perhaps when I figure out Show v Tell (or give up trying and just continue to write my way in my style/voice) that forcing opposites to attract and then stay together will be my newest challenge.

That is, if I ignore all of the voices inside my head that remind me of all the times I attempted to befriend/love an opposite and ended up hurt beyond repair.

Having to socialize with people works to give me plenty of fodder for the grist mill, so it isn't all bad that I still have to actually be with them.

Mean, ugly people, people who think they are superior to me, and those who like to make me their slave.

Stuck-ups who make zero attempt to befriend me, look down their nose at me, and belittle me in front of others.

Guys who show an interest for the single purpose of a one-night stand or think it is funny to humiliate me in front of others.

Manipulative bastards and haughty bitches are my worst nightmare in reality and the most fun to destroy in my writing.

If there is one thing I have always known about my personality, it is having never viewed anyone, not even the President or a Queen, as being superior to me or anyone else.

An ass kisser, brown noser, and general purpose suck-up I am not.

You've got a degree? That's wonderful! But, you're still a human just like me and no better than me, either.

You have looks/money? Aren't you the shit! However, you still eat, sleep, poop, and breathe the same way I do.

You're the boss of your own company? Lucky for you! But, that doesn't mean I'm going to bow down, kiss your ass, and let you walk all over me.

Ain't gonna happen.

Now, if God stood before me, then yeah, I'd behave differently.

Only because He is an Immortal, not a mere mortal . . . like you and me.

"There will always be a need, and now more than ever, to win people’s hearts and minds with the written word."


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